I have a confession to make - I have a masters degree in mental health. I was going to be a therapist. Does that make me more or less likely to seek out therapy for myself and my children? Some people see therapy as something that benefits everyone, others will disagree.
A book I read called "What Do We Tell the Children by Joseph M. Primo" challenged my thoughts on the idea that kids who lose a sibling need therapy (this book is so amazing it should be required reading for anyone who is alive). His thesis is that death is normal, and only things that are perceived as trauma are things that should be seen as needing therapy. Death does not automatically qualify a person.
So how are my kids doing?
My daughter leaned up against my leg as Matthew's body was carefully transferred to a gurney, covered, and wheeled out to a van. She seemed more upset that she had to leave church early than that her brother had passed. Her loss was not a playmate. Her loss was not really a loss at all, because what she got after the grieving parents was parents who were more emotionally available to her. At the time, Matthew was the sick brother who laid in bed all day. There was no relationship for her to mourn.
Christian and Melody were the best of playmates. Some of my happiest memories of Christian's early years is of the two of them playing naked outside. We were trying to potty train Christian, and clothes seemed like a lot of work.
But one day as Melody developed and Christian declined, she began to realize that she was smarter. She still talks about the day that Christian was walking down the ramp into the street and she grabbed him and brought him into the back yard. I think she was four.
She took on the big sister role. Gradually Christian slipped away and over that time she may have grieved. But it's been a long time now since they played together. Now Christian is the sick brother who is not terribly relevant to her every day life.
If a healthy child died - a brother who she played with every day, the loss would be very different. But as is the case with a disease like this, if you needed therapy it would be at the beginning and not the end.
Do my kids need therapy now? Not for this. It barely registers.
Do kids in general need therapy for the death of a sibling? Honestly, I think they would benefit more from a culture that talks about death - where saying "my brother died" wouldn't evoke looks of horror and speechless people who then avoid you. We actually had to tell her not to mention it to people, which turns my stomach.
Therapy is needed when a person's natural support network is insufficient. Post diagnosis I scared away boat loads of people with my grief. Kids are at risk of doing this too. Let's be a culture that does such a great job of supporting each other that kids whose siblings die don't need therapists because we've made life a safe place to grieve.
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