A Love Letter, on Our Tenth Wedding Anniversary

by Debra Wallace

Jason and I waited to kiss until our wedding day.  On purpose.  It was one of the more difficult things I've ever done... or not done as the case may be.

(c) John David

The decision was made by Jason and I found it circumspect at first.  What self-respecting 20 year old guy would make that recommendation?

It was well thought out on his part and was based on the premise that it's easier to see a relationship for what it is without distractions.  Or as a friend put it, "kissing is always nice."  A relationship built on the foundation of the non-physical is hypothetically built on a stronger foundation than the physically entangled one.

There are exceptions, of course.

But I will say that it forced us to talk - a lot, and to take walks in the rain, and avoid awkward conversations without our clothes on.  In a relatively short amount of time Jason learned how to consistently beat me at Boggle and that affectionate comparisons between my hair and his dog's were best left unsaid.  

During that time, I realized that I didn't deserve him.  When I shared that with a friend she said, "No, you don't, and that's God's grace." 

But the major take away was communication.  Stress can do a number on a marriage, and over the past 10 years there's been plenty of it.  

Christian used to wake us up banging wooden bed railings with his feet and we would open the door to find diarrhea smeared everywhere.  Saturdays meant chasing hyperactive children around Strong Museum of Play to avoid the destructive, purposeless play we'd see at home.  Jason had to deal with me flipping out when I didn't get pregnant Right Away, and then through the joy and devastation of four healthy home births and five miscarriages, one of which nearly ended in a blood transfusion.

There were no shows from home health aids and nurses, hundreds of doctors appointments, court dates, four pediatric surgeries, thousands of unsolicited opinions, heated school meetings, and two children who forgot how to smile.  There was Matthew's death, moving to a new house, and welcoming a new baby in a four month time frame.

(c) John David

If I have a regret with regards to our marriage, it's that in my attempt to be transparent I have not given Jason nearly enough credit.  I read memoirs and not fiction, so as tempting as it is for me to enumerate our weaknesses, I'm going to hold off for now.  

What I want to say here is that a lesser man would have walked away.  He would have gone out board gaming with his buddies instead of coming home.  He would have escaped somewhere unreachable when it was most tempting.  Maybe he would have scoffed at my ache for babies.  But as I write, he's sitting in our bed writing a sermon which he'll preach on Sunday.

I'm blessed, because despite real life, or maybe because of it, our marriage has grown stronger instead of collapsing like it should have.  I'm not certain we would have made it if a 20 year old man with a whole lot of integrity hadn't said, "We're waiting to kiss until our wedding."

(c) John David